TRIGGER WARNING: weight, calories, eating disorder behaviors
I’m not perfect, I know that. For all the focus and effort I put into recovery, I still have my days where I feel like it’s a losing battle.
For the last two days, I haven’t lost a single ounce. The scale has read out exactly the same for three days in a row.
Just last night, I saw my therapist and we agreed to one baby step in the right direction- a protein shake in the morning, so that I wasn’t going all day without any nutrition at all. But seeing that cursed number on the scale today is making it really hard to choke down this protein shake.
It’s a pretty low calorie shake, and it’s full of stuff that I’m hoping will keep me more energized and ward off that dreaded 5 o’clock mood swing.
Shamefully, I’m also really hoping that maybe it will keep my metabolism a little busier and I can break this plateau.
My attitude right now is a dialectic. On the one hand, I’m putting at least a small effort into avoiding a full-blown relapse. On the other, I’m sort of hoping that small effort serves to further my weight loss goals.
I don’t want to become a zombie again, I want to stay productive and high-functioning. Maybe this shake will help me do that without seriously impeding my desire to be thin. Maybe I’ll even start losing weight in a slightly healthier way.
Recovery is hard. The motivation comes and goes. There are two voices inside of me, battling it out. I want to get better, but I hate what I see in the mirror.
Regardless, I am not giving up. I may not be winning today, but that doesn’t mean I’ve lost.